Comedy quotes

I've decided to maintain a list of funny things that people say.

• Adam: Just cutting myself whilst listening to s club
  Matt: i hope you're joking about listening to s club
• My fingers are very tired, typing, not masturbation.
• Sounds like a wager to me
• Pete, in response to anything
• i can never last more than 10 minutes. Matt, May 2003
• "Dildo"..?, isn't he a character in Lord of the Rings...?, No, wait, that's Bilbo...
• Darkness shall be defeated...the forces of evil will carry their coffins on their backs to die in disgraceful failure
  Saddam Hussein, referring to US plans to invade Iraq, August 2002
• Was it a deliberate assassination then ?
  Adam, July 2002
• You know that saying, "elephants never forget" ?.... like, what are they going to forget ?.... their keys?
  Helena, June 2002
• I'm only rocking because the gyroscopic motion will stop me falling over
  Adam, said whilst very stoned, June 2002